Santa Came Early.

Seasons greetings and happy holidays! I’m hoping everyone’s Christmas wishes come true, but more importantly, be careful what you wish for! Ever since I can remember I dreamt of meeting Santa. As time went on, my feelings for Santa seemed to…evolve. I no longer wanted just to meet him, I wanted to fuck him too! I just wanted to sleigh that mother fucking beardo. All I needed was to coax him in with some warm cookies and a hot fresh Brazilian bikini wax and add “Santa” to my Alexa Christmas wish list. Seems pretty easy right? Well, it was. That’s what I did and how I got Santa to come over.  He was doing about 140MPH across the skyline and air traffic control was losing their goddamn minds. Then finally, he just had to make it into my chimney. The only problem was, that Santa came early.

But It’s Santa, I Can’t Stay Mad!

Of course, I can. I don’t care if I was having a threesome with Santa, Jesus, and Jon Hamm, nobody comes early and gets off scot-free. Santa may be in charge of the elves, but I make the rules on who comes and when! I didn’t have to do much. I’ve just got a little ho’ in me is all. I was decked out, head to mistletoe in the merriest of lingerie, and gave him a little peck on his rosy red cheek.  He just went “Ahhhhheeeekkkkkoooooffffllurpp” and Santa came early. I let him know immediately, “You’re on my naughty list now, Santa!” So I bent him over and he asked “What is the matter?” I said, “You were supposed to spring into bed and make my lady bits spatter!”

But Folks, Santa Came Early.

“Womp, womp, womp.” I uttered in disgrace. I looked up with a smile to see the fear on his face “The elves, say this, what is the meaning.” It means you’re lame you loser, I should just start screaming!” I wanted some head, some licking, in bed, where you’d be dicking, but no, you shmo, you’re brain got to ticking, and now, you cow, you’re really fucked now because those snowballs are about to get a good kicking! He wanted to come for jolly ol’ fun, but now that he’s done his nipples will surely get a good flicking! I’ll keep you here well into Christmas, New Year, Easter, you’ll lose your whole business! Take out your dick you’ll no longer be sticking, take this rope, and let’s get to bricking!

The Jolly Ol’ Ass Hat.

He’s always just speeding around acting like he owns the world.  We all know that the reindeer and elves do most of the work and Mrs. Claus is his Kim K. Powerhouse. He’s practically a delivery guy. He may be the prince of presents BUT SANTA CAME EARLY.  I’m keeping his suit. I might need it for a Halloween cosplay party someday.  Anyway, now that Santa lives in my basement, I try to remind him daily that Jeff Bezos basically took his job and he is now not only a premature ejaculator but a very basic bitch.  Also, he now works for Door Dash and no one is looking for him. Merry Christmas! 

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