Hooking up with somebody who shows up to your internet date already wasted = sketchy sex.

I used to have a LOT of sketchy sex back when I lived on the West Coast. Now, well, I might as well live in a convent! Okay, maybe all my dubious sexploits weren’t confined to one geographic area. Slutever.

This was about ten years ago, back when using Craigslist as a dating site was socially acceptable. Popular, even. I had a boyfriend at the time, but he lived far away. College girls (like me at the time) have needs.

I remember scrolling through the personals section and hovering over one that said something like “Looking For A Young Judith Butler.” Self-righteous budding little intellectual feminist that I was, I couldn’t help but click. Within 24 this person showed up for our “date,” rolling up in a giant white van with cheetah print plush interior. (Yes, really.)

Even though we were just meeting for the first time, he seemed out of it. With slurred words, he showed me how he’d been eating Xanax all day. I poured us another drink anyway. What the fuck did I care? I just wanted to have fun, party, and fuck.

He may have been a wastoid, but he was pretty hot on a superficial level. He was the kind of guy I always fuck with anyway even though he wasn’t really on my level. A tattered jacket that smelled like cigarettes and dried sweat, long-ish hair, handsome yet aloof bad boy swagger that I never have been able to resist.

By the time the bottle was only half-empty (and it WAS a “half-empty night” with this mother fucker), our clothes were off. Only a few minutes earlier in our “foreplay pillow talk,” he’d been bitching about his recent ex and mentioned her name. Guess what this idiot moans as I ride his (somewhat unimpressive) dick? Hint: it sure wasn’t my name!

What a shit show. Do you have any sketchy sex stories you’d like to cum share with me? You know what to do: give me a naughty phone sex call!

Phone Sex Kingdom Nicole Burke