You’ve heard that corny, played-out “blondes have more fun” line, right? Newsflash: bad girls have more fun. And the badder the girl, the more fun she has. And as for a bad bitch like me who does whatever she wants, whenever she wants? I have ALL the fun.


And how exactly do we always do that? Here are a few of my secrets:

I’m talking zero fucks . . . ever. Contrary to popular belief, never giving a single fuck is an art that takes YEARS to master . . . and definitely not for the weak of heart. People might think you don’t have any “willpower” or “self-control” because you always do what you want to do no matter what. But guess what? People are wrong. And most people are self-hating pushovers who try to make everyone else happy before they make themselves happy. And guess what? You don’t have time for that bullshit!


When your shoulder grazes someone’s cart in a grocery store aisle, you don’t look down while mumbling “I’m sorry.” You keep walking — and if you do say something? You might feel polite enough to say “Excuse me.” And if you do, you’re going to say it LOUD and clear while making unwavering, blink-free, and totally shameless eye contact . . . the kind that intimidates the FUCK out of everyone. Capiche?


Not wasting so much of your time and energy apologizing adds a TON of free time to your otherwise booked “Nice Girl” itinerary. You’ll find yourself having time to do all kinds of shit that otherwise wouldn’t even occur to you as being more important . . . like fucking on the first date, having a lot more (and a lot hotter) sex with a lot more people. Personally, I find I have a lot more time to masturbate and play with myself . . . oh, and go shopping for more naughty toys! Who knows, I might have never bought myself that diamond butt plug if I hadn’t decided to spend my time (and money) doing things for me . . .


People who never ask for what they want never get it. Why wait for the best night of your life when you can make that shit happen TONIGHT? Let everyone else wait for Godot . . . or to try pegging. Their loss, not yours! Again, your time is priceless — and you ARE going to use it to get exactly what your filthy slut heart desires. Let people talk . . . they’re just fucking jealous, anyway.


You’re special. Like, more special than everyone else . . . like if we’re all “special snowflakes” or whatever, you’re the fucking ICE QUEEN! Own that shit. Nice guys AND nice girls finish last — but you get ALWAYS cum in 1st place!

Phone Sex Kingdom Nicole Burke