I still remember my first lesson on “how to have sex.”

I guess she didn’t really teach me “how to have sex” entirely, but I remember the afternoon in my childhood basement when I walked in on my friend mashing a naked Barbie and Ken together.

“What are you doing?” I asked, baffled.

“They’re having sex.” She gave me one of those “Really? You don’t know?” looks. We both went to Catholic school. And we were both in like, 5th grade. I didn’t have brothers. How was I supposed to know?

Eventually, of course, I found out how to have sex. And I found out that sex was much more exciting than two plastic dolls having their (sexless) crotches rubbed against each other. It’s funny to look back on now how confused and shamed I felt in that pubescent moment, considering that I grew up to be a (totally shameless) phonesex operator.

Sex is so much more than being naked and “rubbing crotches.” Now that I’ve grown up and become sexually active, I realize that the possibilities of what sex is are basically fucking infinite. Sex doesn’t even have to involve penetration. And sometimes the phone sex I have without IRL contact feels just as intimate as sex in person.

How did you learn how to have sex? I’ve heard some wild stories from clients over the years. Sometimes their first time was from an older person, which brings some ethical (and consent) things into question, but despite this, it’s not uncommon for those formative first-time experiences to have someone by the balls, well . . . basically forever. Weird but true.

There’s no shame in not knowing how to have sex. It’s something that takes practice, anyway! And there’s no shame in not knowing how to have phone sex. I’d love to teach you.


Phone Sex Kingdom Nicole Burke