Dear Charlie: I was going down on a girl the other night after a party and I found a small piece of toilet paper in her pussy (it got stuck to my tongue).  I was completely turned off and couldn’t finish the oral sex on her, faked a headache and got out of there. Is this a common thing or is she just a bad wiper?

Sincerely, The Great Cornholio

Dear Cornholio:

We all need TP for our bungholes – even us girls 😉

Before I get into your question, you need to keep in mind a few things:

  • Girls have more intricate sexual organs (lots of places to lose TP)
  • Guys only really wipe when they poop
  • Everyone misses sometimes

 You have to realize that oral sex is already fraught with anxiety (how do I smell/taste/look, what if I fart, I should have shaved, where do I put my ass, don’t forget to breathe, etc), so pointing out something like a stray piece of TP would probably turn your partner off, too.

In short: You’ve already got your mouth all over an organ that shoots pee out of it, so are you *really* going to get turned off by TP?

While we’re on the subject, let me also throw a few other tips out there:

  • DO NOT push your partner’s head down! Their head is not a steering wheel! Be thankful that you found someone that is interested in giving oral sex to you and remember that, if you upset them, they may take their toys and go home.
  • Guys, don’t be offended if she spits. Again, be glad that you found someone who wants to suck your dick.
  • Everyone: Groom that shit. There is very little that I hate more than pulling pubes out of my teeth.  Or randomly finding them on my tongue.  My hair sheds enough on its own and ends up in the strangest places as it is.
  • Don’t finish on the sheets. Yeah, wet spots are great and all, but someone has to do that laundry.  (If you’re in college and take it home, its probably your mom.  Do you want your mom to see that?)
  • Keep it out of my hair, please. I’m not being bitchy about this – any and all cum in hair makes it crunchy and knotty and just generally unpleasant.  Especially if you will be doing the walk of shame.
  • Lastly, don’t fake it. If you aren’t enjoying yourself, tell your partner.  If there is something that you like better or what they are doing hurts, etc, you will only do yourself a disservice by not speaking up.

So in conclusion, putting your mouth on someone else’s naughty bits is exactly as weird as it sounds. If you can’t take the heat, get out of the cooch.  Other wise, bring it on baby.  They don’t call it getting down and dirty for nothing!