I tried watching Sex And The City again and I thought it sucked.

Dear Perverts! Remember Sex And The City? The HBO show about the sexual adventures of four best friends living in Manhattan. Well, I’m a hot-blooded American woman, so those 4 words have been, unfortunately, burned into my psyche. I decided to revisit the series on my vacation and see what I think now, as a hot-blooded American sex worker and the friend pained with the task of giving real-life dating advice.

Times have changed since the high tide of Sex And The City, but…

If this is how regular cosmopolitan (pun intended) women conduct themselves in the wild world of regular dating, no wonder you poor perverts have to ring the professionals. They talk about sex a lot, sure, but are they really saying anything, or are they just egotistical little prudish trolls having a four way monologue? Hard to say, pervs. Hard to say.

I do like when they make fun of guys who can’t fuck, sort of.

As your friend, favorite hardworking mistress and sexual professional, it’s true that not enough men know how to fuck. My hypotheses as to why this is the case is a blog unto itself. But my problem is, women love to give examples of men who are piss poor in the sack but they never elaborate on the ones who are great. What exactly is so great about Mr. Big, sexually speaking? Hell if I know. He might suck too.

Side note, cosmopolitans aren’t very good.

There, I said it. Not that I expect most of my male readership to care about this, but still. The ensuing zeitgeist around the cosmo because of this show is abominable.

Marriage, marriage, marriage…

The girls on Sex And The City can’t figure out whether they’re happy to be single in their 30s or if they want to slit their wrists. I find this annoying because it has nothing to do with sex, and pervs, you know that’s 90% of what I care about. Sex!

All in all, I just can’t relate.

I know it’s hard to date, but it hasn’t ever been easy! Old guys always tell me they had to tell a girl they wanted to marry her to get her to put out. That doesn’t sound easy! Do I really care that a woman can’t decide whether or not she’s happy about being single and promiscuous? I just can’t relate to that. I absolutely ADORE your pervs, sexually speaking, but let’s be real – it’s the sex that keeps you coming back. S. E. X. Not love. Sex. Don’t you love that? It’s a beautiful thing.

Yes, women are really like these women in real life.

The point is, it’s all fluff. Where’s the substance? Does sex really cause this much confusion in society? I pity the fool. If dating and relating is causing you Sex And The City levels of moronic distress, a little phone sex therapy might be just what the doctor ordered. In fact, I can dress the part of your doctor and we can have some fun…

The Best Phone Sex!